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Being a woman in my late thirties, I’ve always believed that good manners is essential, which includes expressing regret when I think I’ve made a mistake. Even with a fulfilling life, I’ve struggled with very low self-confidence. This mix of wanting to respect others and lacking faith in myself has turned me into someone who over-apologizes. Many times, it happens so reflexively that I’m unconscious of it. It comes from anxiety and has affected both my personal and work life. It irritates my family and friends and workmates, and then I get frustrated when they point it out—which only worsens my anxiety.

Public Speaking and Inquiring

This excessive apologizing is especially problematic when it comes to addressing a group or making inquiries in front of people. I try to write everything down to stay focused and avoid nervous rambling, but even that isn’t effective most of the time. As an starting scholar in government studies, speaking confidently is crucial. I’ve attempted to tackle this through gradual exposure, such as teaching classes and pushing myself to ask questions at public events, despite experiencing embarrassments from established male academics. I’ve also tried pausing before speaking to become more aware of when I’m apologizing, but this is effective at first before I revert to old habits.

Personal Peace

I don’t believe I’ll ever totally accept myself, and I’ve made peace with that. I still enjoy life and find it rewarding. My main goal is to stop the overuse of apologies. I’ve read that therapy might support me, but I question how it can help in practice.

Apologizing is a valuable skill, but it must be used wisely. Too infrequent or too much, and you place a load on others.

Exploring the Causes

A therapist might explore where this compulsion comes from. Thoughts including, “How early were you when this developed?” or “Was it internally driven or learned from someone close to you?” Sometimes, early ways that once served us well become unhelpful in adulthood.

In fact, some of your current behaviors could be seen as self-sabotage. You realize it bothers those around you, yet you persist it.

How Therapy Can Help

When asked what counseling could do, one approach focuses on existing rather than acting. Much of effective counseling is about self-reflection, not just addressing problems. A qualified professional will gently challenge you, offering a comfortable setting to consider and acknowledge who you are.

Instead of facing fears head-on, a connection-based method with a person-centered counselor might be more helpful. This can help you return to yourself and examine how you treat, disregard, and invalidate yourself. It can assist in catching self-criticism, breaking it, and finding more self-compassionate ways to see things. Your self-assurance can grow from there.

Practical Steps

Changing long-standing behaviors is difficult, especially in anxious times when apologizing feels like a automatic response. But you can start by thinking on how apologizing serves you and what it would be like to hold back. Often, it’s an effort to avoid shame or vulnerability, by recognizing perceived flaws before others do. This can create a cycle of irritation and anxiety.

Even reflecting afterward can be beneficial. Try counting to 10 before responding, or use a alternative statement instead of “I’m sorry.” For example, saying “I see” can make others feel listened to without you taking responsibility.

This journey will take persistence, but recognizing there’s an issue is a significant first step toward change.